Toddlers are the biggest control freaks on the face of the planet. These little executives like things their way and on their timeframe. If you're a parent, then this is not news. It also isn't news that saying "no" can lead to a battle. It's all fun and games until mommy says "no," then suddenly your little person is on the floor devastated or furious or a little bit of both. Or maybe that's just my house.
There is the other end of the spectrum where "no" somehow never reaches little ears, or if it does, it miraculously is transformed into the word "yes" before it gets there.
I am a firm believer in choosing your battles and fighting them every time. This is because I want my son to respect what say. He knows that I mean what I say and I say what I mean. There are still many times when he tests me on my resolve, but the more he learns that if I said it I meant it, the less frequent it becomes.
Because I resolve to fight my fights, I really avoid the word "no." That's not to say I'm permissive by any means. But when I tell my child not to do something I need him to listen, and if I tell him not to do every little thing that I don't like, then pretty soon he's going to start challenging me on it and I just do not have enough energy wage all of those battles.
To save everyone's sanity, I've come up with some strategies to avoid saying no, so that I can help guide him to more desirable behavior, without making it a command we have to fight over.
Avoid things that will be a battle
There are battles that are unavoidable. We have to get dressed for church. We have to eat our dinner at the table. We have to brush our teeth before bed. But there are some battles that can easily avoided if we don't put our child in a situation where he's going to want something he can't have.
Junk food is one of them. If we have cookies in the house, then he will pester me for them all day, which is a battle that I will have to fight because there's no way I'm going to let him eat cookies all day. But who honestly wants to spend all day doing that. Solution: I don't buy cookies. Battle avoided. I also don't drive the route to the grocery store that takes me by McDonald's, I don't browse the Internet on my phone when my son is around, and I don't go by the toy aisle at the store. Battles avoided.
Offer alternatives first
This goes for those times when the kids are doing something that is not going to workout well. Instead of jumping in and shutting them down, leading to a fight for control, suggest a better method (and pray they go for it).
When he pulls over a chair to reach something high, "why don't you use the step stool instead? It will be safer." When they're putting on their cute new sneaker on a rainy day, "If you wear your boots they might work better. You'll be able to splash in puddles."
If they don't take your alternative, you have to make a choice: is this a battle you want to fight. Sometimes you'll choose to let it go and sometimes you'll have to stand and fight, but at least you tried to keep the peace.
Ask your child to think of alternatives
This works really well with older children. Children (and adults) don't always think before they do things. Sometimes, if given the opportunity, they may choose better behavior, eliminating the need for you to step in as the reigning tyrant and ruin the fun.
If they're kicking a ball around in the house (assuming that's something that's not allowed) simply say, "where do you think we should play that game?" Usually this ends with them taking the ball outside themselves.
Ask questions first
I have learned that asking the question, "what are you doing?" before I respond to a situation can save us from so many meltdowns. I have discovered that I don't think the same way as he does (since I'm not a 2-year-old boy you would think that wouldn't be a surprise). So when I see something that looks like disobedience or troublemaking, I should first try to understand what I'm actually looking at.
Example: when I say to him, "you can choose one toy to take to bed," and he pulls out 3 and tucks them under his arm. My first instinct is to say "no" and make him put 2 back. Since children usually don't think to explain their logic, this will likely just lead to him insisting on doing it his way, and here we are at bedtime fighting over toys. Instead, I now ask, "what are you doing?" and in all his toddler cuteness he tells me, "this one is for my bed and this one is for your bed and this one is for April's (the dog) bed." Wow, my child is thinking of others and here I am ready to throw down over his lack of obedience. So now I ask questions.
There will be times when "no" is unavoidable and you have to stand your ground. Because of that, it is better to avoid it when you can, so that it means more when you say it.
How do you spare the battles in your house? leave a comment.
Blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment