I was telling someone about my blog recently and she asked me what it was about. I told her it's about intentional parenting. She asked, "What is intentional parenting?"
Well it's......ummm......it's kind of like......Wow, did I feel foolish. Here I am claiming to be this self-made expert on intentional parenting, and I can't even give her a simple definition.
But I honestly don't think I'm alone. I checked. Although intentional parenting has it's own hash-tag and has become all the rage in some circles, it's hard to find a clear, concise definition. Partially because the term is kind of self explanatory. But also because it is one of those things that is best understood by example.
Therefore, I will do both. I will give you my definition, and also some examples of what that means. Then, hopefully, you will walk away understanding this simple, yet challenging task that is intentional parenting.
Intentional parenting is making deliberate choices in your parenting to achieve specific goals for your child's development.
Like I said, it's just what it sounds like. And it's one of those things that make you go "Wow, I want to do that!....How do I do that?" Or maybe that's just me. Either way, it looks different for every family because every parent has different goals. Yet, there does seem to be some consistency about what dimensions of parenting require intentional choices. So to better understand this concept (which is really more of a lifestyle), let's look at some ways in which intentional parents choose to be intentional.
1. Intentionally raising kids to love Christ. I will admit, I think that is a very catchy tagline. Mostly because it touches one of my biggest goals for my son's development. This dimension is also referred to as purposeful parenting. What does this look like? Well I can't tell you what it will look like in your house because that depends on your goals. Click here to see what it looks like for my family. The biggest things for us are prayer, being active in our church, and talking about the splendor of God's creation. The intentional steps I take to achieve my goals for my son's spiritual development are likely to change as my son grows older and his relationship with God deepens.
I do want to take a step back here and say that intentional parenting is not a pursuit solely for Christian parents. Although it sometimes feels that way because the bulk of the advice given on intentional parenting is coming from Christian parents (including myself). But parents who aren't followers of Christ still have goals for their parenting. And faith should be a part of those goals. What do you want to teach your child about the world and the people around them? Tolerance. Cooperation. The common good. Those things are important whether you're reading them from the Bible or not. Be intentional about instilling these things in your child.
2. Being intentional about your time. There are 2 interrelated aspects of this dimension: routine and quality family time. Let's look at them separately.
Children need routine. They need to know what's expected of them, what to expect from their day, and what's coming next. This is particularly important for anxious children, and also for strong-willed children (like my son). Routine also helps us as parents ensure that everything we want to accomplish gets accomplished. If we set aside a time for prayer, homework, housework, playing outside, etc. everyday, then we can better accomplish our goal of being intentional about making those things a part of our child's development.
Quality family time needs to be a part of that routine. One of the easiest ways to do this is with family dinners. I am a big proponent of family dinners. So much so, that even though my husband and I are separated, we still have family dinners on a weekly basis. I am also a realist and know that family dinners can be very hard for some families depending on everyone's schedule. There are other ways to intentionally plan quality family time. Game night, family devotional time, evening story time, or morning coffee together. The key is to set time aside on a regular basis to give your child your undivided attention. This draws you closer together, helps you understand who they are growing up to be, and creates a space where they can bring to you things that have been weighing on their heart.
3. Intentional discipline. This is not going to be the post where I tell you how to discipline your kids. Maybe at some point I'll share what has worked for us, but not today. What this looks like is going to depend first on your child, then on your own beliefs. Every child is different and responds best to different discipline techniques. You have to be intentional about understanding what makes your child tick, and figuring out what you can do to best guide them to make positive choices.
It's also important to be intentional about your priorities and boundaries. Do they line up with your goals for your child's development? If not, then you need to change them. Yours will probably look a little different than the mom's next door.For example, I don't make my son put away his toys as soon as he's done playing, but he MUST say please and thank you every time he makes a request. This aligns with my priorities, but never everyone else's.
I will say that discipline should not involve yelling, shaming, or withdrawal of love. These practices are very destructive and lead to internalizing disorders like anxiety and depression. That's doesn't mean that I have never yelled at my child. I have. I'm human. But I intentionally try to discipline in a way that is constructive for reaching my goals.
4. Intentionally model the behavior you desire for you children. This is SO hard. But it's also incredibly important. Children truly do copy the behavior they see. I have seen my kids discipline their dolls the way they are disciplined, talked to their peers the way they are talked to, and even pick up nervous habits they see in their parents. This is very sobering to witness. Therefore, when you're looking at the goals you have for your child's development, it is important to ask yourself if you are living those goals yourself.
5. Intentionally express your love for your child. We all love your children. But they can't read our minds. We have to take time to show them that we love them. Over and over again. For the rest of their lives. We show our children we love them when we take time to listen to them, when we help them with their struggles, and when we remind them that we're proud of them.
Showing your children that you love them affects their self-concept, which is who they believe there are as people. Their self-concept drives their self-esteem, their beliefs about their worth, the way they treat others, and the way they allow themselves to be treated. If your goals is for your child to develop healthy relationships in life, which I hope it is, showing your love for them is pivotal.
I hope this gave you some inspiration to start (or continue) intentionally parenting your children.What other dimensions of parenting are you intentional about? How have intentional practices changed your family? leave a comment.
Blessings
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