Saving the Word "No" for When It Matters

Toddlers are the biggest control freaks on the face of the planet. These little executives like things their way and on their timeframe. If you're a parent, then this is not news. It also isn't news that saying "no" can lead to a battle. It's all fun and games until mommy says "no," then suddenly your little person is on the floor devastated or furious or a little bit of both. Or maybe that's just my house.


There is the other end of the spectrum where "no" somehow never reaches little ears, or if it does, it miraculously is transformed into the word "yes" before it gets there.


I am a firm believer in choosing your battles and fighting them every time. This is because I want my son to respect what say. He knows that I mean what I say and I say what I mean. There are still many times when he tests me on my resolve, but the more he learns that if I said it I meant it, the less frequent it becomes.


Because I resolve to fight my fights, I really avoid the word "no." That's not to say I'm permissive by any means. But when I tell my child not to do something I need him to listen, and if I tell him not to do every little thing that I don't like, then pretty soon he's going to start challenging me on it and I just do not have enough energy wage all of those battles.


To save everyone's sanity, I've come up with some strategies to avoid saying no, so that I can help guide him to more desirable behavior, without making it a command we have to fight over.

Avoid things that will be a battle 

There are battles that are unavoidable. We have to get dressed for church. We have to eat our dinner at the table. We have to brush our teeth before bed. But there are some battles that can easily avoided if we don't put our child in a situation where he's going to want something he can't have.

Junk food is one of them. If we have cookies in the house, then he will pester me for them all day, which is a battle that I will have to fight because there's no way I'm going to let him eat cookies all day. But who honestly wants to spend all day doing that. Solution: I don't buy cookies. Battle avoided. I also don't drive the route to the grocery store that takes me by McDonald's, I don't browse the Internet on my phone when my son is around, and I don't go by the toy aisle at the store. Battles avoided.



Offer alternatives first

This goes for those times when the kids are doing something that is not going to workout well. Instead of jumping in and shutting them down, leading to a fight for control, suggest a better method (and pray they go for it). 

When he pulls over a chair to reach something high, "why don't you use the step stool instead? It will be safer." When they're putting on their cute new sneaker on a rainy day, "If you wear your boots they might work better. You'll be able to splash in puddles." 

If they don't take your alternative, you have to make a choice: is this a battle you want to fight. Sometimes you'll choose to let it go and sometimes you'll have to stand and fight, but at least you tried to keep the peace.



Ask your child to think of alternatives 

This works really well with older children. Children (and adults) don't always think before they do things. Sometimes, if given the opportunity, they may choose better behavior, eliminating the need for you to step in as the reigning tyrant and ruin the fun. 

If they're kicking a ball around in the house (assuming that's something that's not allowed) simply say, "where do you think we should play that game?" Usually this ends with them taking the ball outside themselves. 



Ask questions first 

I have learned that asking the question, "what are you doing?" before I respond to a situation can save us from so many meltdowns. I have discovered that I don't think the same way as he does (since I'm not a 2-year-old boy you would think that wouldn't be a surprise). So when I see something that looks like disobedience or troublemaking, I should first try to understand what I'm actually looking at. 

Example: when I say to him, "you can choose one toy to take to bed," and he pulls out 3 and tucks them under his arm. My first instinct is to say "no" and make him put 2 back. Since children usually don't think to explain their logic, this will likely just lead to him insisting on doing it his way, and here we are at bedtime fighting over toys. Instead, I now ask, "what are you doing?" and in all his toddler cuteness he tells me, "this one is for my bed and this one is for your bed and this one is for April's (the dog) bed." Wow, my child is thinking of others and here I am ready to throw down over his lack of obedience. So now I ask questions.




There will be times when "no" is unavoidable and you have to stand your ground. Because of that, it is better to avoid it when you can, so that it means more when you say it.


How do you spare the battles in your house? leave a comment.
Blessings.

What is Intentional Parenting?

I was telling someone about my blog recently and she asked me what it was about. I told her it's about intentional parenting. She asked, "What is intentional parenting?"


Well it's......ummm......it's kind of like......Wow, did I feel foolish. Here I am claiming to be this self-made expert on intentional parenting, and I can't even give her a simple definition.


But I honestly don't think I'm alone. I checked. Although intentional parenting has it's own hash-tag and has become all the rage in some circles, it's hard to find a clear, concise definition. Partially because the term is kind of self explanatory. But also because it is one of those things that is best understood by example.


Therefore, I will do both. I will give you my definition, and also some examples of what that means. Then, hopefully, you will walk away understanding this simple, yet challenging task that is intentional parenting.

Intentional parenting is making deliberate choices in your parenting to achieve specific goals for your child's development.


Like I said, it's just what it sounds like. And it's one of those things that make you go "Wow, I want to do that!....How do I do that?" Or maybe that's just me. Either way, it looks different for every family because every parent has different goals. Yet, there does seem to be some consistency about what dimensions of parenting require intentional choices. So to better understand this concept (which is really more of a lifestyle), let's look at some ways in which intentional parents choose to be intentional.



1. Intentionally raising kids to love Christ. I will admit, I think that is a very catchy tagline. Mostly because it touches one of my biggest goals for my son's development. This dimension is also referred to as purposeful parenting. What does this look like? Well I can't tell you what it will look like in your house because that depends on your goals. Click here to see what it looks like for my family. The biggest things for us are prayer, being active in our church, and talking about the splendor of God's creation. The intentional steps I take to achieve my goals for my son's spiritual development are likely to change as my son grows older and his relationship with God deepens.


I do want to take a step back here and say that intentional parenting is not a pursuit solely for Christian parents. Although it sometimes feels that way because the bulk of the advice given on intentional parenting is coming from Christian parents (including myself). But parents who aren't followers of Christ still have goals for their parenting. And faith should be a part of those goals. What do you want to teach your child about the world and the people around them? Tolerance. Cooperation. The common good. Those things are important whether you're reading them from the Bible or not. Be intentional about instilling these things in your child.



2. Being intentional about your time. There are 2 interrelated aspects of this dimension: routine and quality family time. Let's look at them separately.


Children need routine. They need to know what's expected of them, what to expect from their day, and what's coming next. This is particularly important for anxious children, and also for strong-willed children (like my son). Routine also helps us as parents ensure that everything we want to accomplish gets accomplished. If we set aside a time for prayer, homework, housework, playing outside, etc. everyday, then we can better accomplish our goal of being intentional about making those things a part of our child's development.


Quality family time needs to be a part of that routine. One of the easiest ways to do this is with family dinners. I am a big proponent of family dinners. So much so, that even though my husband and I are separated, we still have family dinners on a weekly basis. I am also a realist and know that family dinners can be very hard for some families depending on everyone's schedule. There are other ways to intentionally plan quality family time. Game night, family devotional time, evening story time, or morning coffee together. The key is to set time aside on a regular basis to give your child your undivided attention. This draws you closer together, helps you understand who they are growing up to be, and creates a space where they can bring to you things that have been weighing on their heart.



3. Intentional discipline. This is not going to be the post where I tell you how to discipline your kids. Maybe at some point I'll share what has worked for us, but not today. What this looks like is going to depend first on your child, then on your own beliefs. Every child is different and responds best to different discipline techniques. You have to be intentional about understanding what makes your child tick, and figuring out what you can do to best guide them to make positive choices.


It's also important to be intentional about your priorities and boundaries. Do they line up with your goals for your child's development? If not, then you need to change them. Yours will probably look a little different than the mom's next door.For example, I don't make my son put away his toys as soon as he's done playing, but he MUST say please and thank you every time he makes a request. This aligns with my priorities, but never everyone else's.


I will say that discipline should not involve yelling, shaming, or withdrawal of love. These practices are very destructive and lead to internalizing disorders like anxiety and depression. That's doesn't mean that I have never yelled at my child. I have. I'm human. But I intentionally try to discipline in a way that is constructive for reaching my goals.



4. Intentionally model the behavior you desire for you children. This is SO hard. But it's also incredibly important. Children truly do copy the behavior they see. I have seen my kids discipline their dolls the way they are disciplined, talked to their peers the way they are talked to, and even pick up nervous habits they see in their parents. This is very sobering to witness. Therefore, when you're looking at the goals you have for your child's development, it is important to ask yourself if you are living those goals yourself. 



5. Intentionally express your love for your child. We all love your children. But they can't read our minds. We have to take time to show them that we love them. Over and over again. For the rest of their lives. We show our children we love them when we take time to listen to them, when we help them with their struggles, and when we remind them that we're proud of them. 


Showing your children that you love them affects their self-concept, which is who they believe there are as people. Their self-concept drives their self-esteem, their beliefs about their worth, the way they treat others, and the way they allow themselves to be treated. If your goals is for your child to develop healthy relationships in life, which I hope it is, showing your love for them is pivotal.



I hope this gave you some inspiration to start (or continue) intentionally parenting your children.What other dimensions of parenting are you intentional about? How have intentional practices changed your family? leave a comment.

Blessings

Getting Kids Out the Door In the Morning (or any other time)

As a nanny, I have the amazing opportunity (and obstacle at times) of taking my son to work with me. This is a tremendous blessing for a number of reasons. It means that as a single-mom I don't have to spend money on childcare. It also means, more importantly, that I get to spend my days with my son and really fostering his growth and development.



This also means that every work day I have to get my 2-year-old dressed, fed, and out the door by 7:15am or I'll be late for work. I know that this situation isn't unique to me as a nanny. There are many families who have to get the kids out the door in the morning for daycare, school, or to take siblings to school. 


Because this process can be challenging and frustrating, I want to share with you some things that I have picked up while working with children over the years that make getting out in the morning a little smoother.

Prepare as much as you can ahead of time

For most families, this means getting things ready the night before. Anything that you can do advance, do it. Pack lunches, lay out clothes, put coffee in the coffee pot, get breakfast items ready. When everything is already in place, it is much faster and easier to put the rest of the pieces together than in the morning when everyone is stumbling around groggy and grumpy.


Give your kids as much responsibility as they can handle

What this looks like is going to depend on age and also on the child. I've seen people use picture boards or checklist that kids work through, but I've never done that with any of my kids. Not saying they don't work, I've just never tried them.

Although it may seem faster to do everything yourself than to let your toddler spend 10 minutes putting his shoe on, in the long run it's not. Children desire autonomy, and they are much more cooperative when they can take ownership of the process.

Whatever you feel your child can do themselves with very few prompts, put it on their plate. It will make them more cooperative and remove a bit of the stress from your morning.


Give clear directions about what still needs to be done

I feel like this is where one of those picture boards would be handy. In any case, I have been totally guilty of giving my son a task, go brush your teeth, and then been shocked and upset when he does that and then goes back to playing instead of continuing to get ready.


I have learned with toddlers (or even older children), the word "then" is very important. Go brush your teeth THEN get dressed. I check on my son often during the morning because he's 2 so he's easily side-track. When he's gotten to the next step, I give him praise and then let him know what to do when he's done. Thank you for following directions. Finish getting dressed, then feed the dog.

This should become less important as kids get older and as they get used to the routine.


Be realistic about your timeframe

Chances are it takes your children longer to do just about anything than it takes you to do it. This goes for eating, dressing, brushing their teeth, combing their hair, or anything else they might need them to do. That means that you want them to start getting ready based on how much time they need, not how much time you think they should need. If they are slow eaters, get up earlier. If it takes them a long time to do their hair, get up earlier. If they have a hard time waking up in the morning, go to bed earlier. I can't pretend that those changes are easy, but if it's going to mean mornings with less fighting, it's worth considering.


Put your stuff in your car before your kids. Or vice versa

Depending on how much stuff you have and how helpful and able-bodied your kids are, this might not be necessary. I, however, usually travel with toddlers and quite often am transporting enough stuff to go backpacking through Europe. You want to have free hands when you're trying to get little ones out of the house and into the car. I have learned the hard way that there is nothing more frustrating than trying get kids out the door and into the car when my hands are full and I'm spilling my coffee and someone slips on the ice and I can't even reach down to help him up. So instead, I go put my stuff in the car (and usually start it too, since I live in Michigan), and come back in and finish getting the kids ready.

Have a "Launch Pad"

I just made that term up right now, as I was trying to think of how to explain the most important advice of this whole topic. My "Launch Pad" is the place where all the kids go when they are completely ready to leave. In our house this is our breeze way, at work this is the mudroom, in our old house it was the kitchen because that's where the back door was. The most important part of a Launch Pad is that once they are ready and in it THEY CANNOT LEAVE. Again, speaking from experience, there is nothing more frustrating than finally having everyone ready to go, running to the other room to grab your phone, and coming back to find you're suddenly missing a child who wandered off to watch TV again. It makes it easy to assess how ready we actually are if we can get a head count of how many people are ready to walk out the door.


Tell yourself you have to leave earlier than you really do

When I said earlier that I have to get out the door by 7:15, that was actually I lie. I HAVE to get out the door by 7:25, or else we'll be late, but every day I try to leave by 7:15. And once a month we actually succeed.

Face it, it is VERY challenging to leave on time with kids. Just when you think you're ready to go, somebody has to poop. Somebody forgot something important. And someone else decides they don't want to go. Don't set yourself up for failure by trying to leave at the last minute and then being late. It just leads to a lot of yelling and a poor start to the morning. If we actually get out of the house at the attempted time, I'll sometimes use the extra time to go to Tim Horton's for doughnut holes. Either way, it is much less frustrating when your child is running behind if you know that it's not actually going to cause anyone to be late.



I've unfortunately learned all these things from experience after doing it the other way and failing (and yelling and being late an awful lot). How about you? What helps your family get on the road on time? leave a comment!


Blessings

How I Teach My Son About God

I did not grow up in the church or with really any understanding of God. I didn't find Christ until college. This means I went almost 19 years without knowing the love and grace that God has for me. I find that for some of my Christian friends this is a little hard to truly grasp. They have all gone through periods where they felt distant from God or were making choices that they knew would interfere with their relationship with God. Some even out right turned their backs. But I simply never knew him. I never knew that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I never knew that he loved me just the way I was. I never knew that despite my many flaws and failings, he sent his only son to die so that I could have a personal relationship with him forever. I had no idea.



This caused a lot of loneliness, a lot of gratification seeking. and a lot of destructive choices. But ever since I accepted Christ as my Savior, my life has been completely different. I have been completely different. It wasn't an overnight transformation and there were major periods of regression, but I could never imagine going back to the person I was.


Because I know what it's like to live on the other side, and to not know Christ, it has always been imperative to me to teach my son about God from a young age. 


I wanted to share with you some things that I do in my parenting to help teach my son about God and to encourage that relationship. I also want to share with you some things I don't do, because I feel that those would do more harm than good.

God always loves you

For me this is fundamental. I want my son to understand that God cares for him, and that when he falls short, his heavenly father will forgive him. When I tell him I love him, I remind him of all the people in his life that love him, including God. And that God, just like mommy, will always love him no matter what.

You can always talk to God

When I pray with my son (and honestly, even when I pray by myself) I use simple words and sentences, because I want him to feel comfortable talking to God. I want him to know that prayer is really just a conversation. I remind him that he can talk to God about anything, something interesting or something exciting or something scary, and He will always listen.

God created all things

I probably spend the most time on this one right now because he's young enough to still be incredibly amazed by nature. When we're at the zoo or in the garden or taking a walk I remind him that God made everything. God made the plants. God made the animals. God made the sunshine. Sometimes, if it seems to have piqued his interest will stop for a moment to say a prayer of thanks to God for making those things.


Like I said, there are also some things that I don't do. Some of them are because he's still so young, and some things I never will do because I feel it does more harm than good.


I don't make him sit through service

Before everyone gets deeply offended by this line of thinking, allow me to explain. When he was an infant I always took him to service with me. He would nurse and sleep most of the time. As he go older (and mobile) getting him to be reasonably still and quiet became quite a challenge and frustration for both of us. 

Although I wanted him in service with me (mostly because of my attachment issues) I really had to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. What was I trying to accomplish? We attend a large church that has an amazing children's ministry and such a large number of children that they are able to have a ministry specifically for each age group. More than anything I did NOT want church to be a chore. We all have to do things in life we don't want to do, but I didn't want our time in fellowship to be one of them.

So when we get to church I give him a choice (because 2 year olds love choices) he can come in and "sing songs" with me, which is how he refers to worship, or he can go play with his friends. Typically, he'll opt to come into worship with me, stay for about 30 minutes, then asks to go to the kid's room right before the sermon starts. 

This works really well for our family. He's always excited to go to church. He gets to participate in worship time with me because he wants to. And he gets to see that this is an important time for me and for all of the adults in our congregation. As he gets older, we might do things a little differently, or we might not. And that's not to say that it is wrong if your young children sit in service with you. That's just what I do to best accomplish the spiritual goals that I have for my family.


I don't teach him about commandment and obedience to God...yet

He's so young, that the concept that there's this unseen being who's always there and listening to him is hard enough. If I make Him a score keeper, then that can sound pretty terrifying to a child.

More importantly, it distract from the thing that I really want to draw attention to, which is that God is love. As he gets older we'll talk more about the way that God calls us to live our life, but just not right now.


I don't tell him how to pray

I've seen lots of cute kid's prayers and memory verses for little ones, and I think that's nice, but if my son is going to build a relationship with God, I want it to be genuine to him. 

We do talk about the kinds of things that are good to pray about. We should thank God for things he created like food and sunshine. We can talk to God when we're upset or need help. I also model pray. He listens to me pray and other adults in his life. 

And I also never make him pray. When I give him the opportunity to pray with me, he usually takes it, but if he doesn't that's okay. When he does pray, what comes out often doesn't quite make sense, but I can tell it's whatever is on his mind. I love this. I think it is beautiful. He talks to God the way he talks to any other adult in his life. I love this because I want him to know he doesn't have to filter his relationship with God. He doesn't have to hold back. He doesn't need a script. No matter what it is, good or bad, I want him to know he can offer it up to God.




If your family does things differently, that's fine too. If you're happy with the results, that's all that matters! If you're feeling a little stuck or looking for some inspiration, I hope this helps.

Blessings.

Indoor Activities for Toddlers

When it's too cold to go outside, days can feel pretty long when you have small children. On top of my own child's restlessness, I'm also a nanny so it's kind of my job to keep kids active and engaged. However, when you're stuck in the house, options are limited. Add to that the fact that we don't watch TV anymore (more on that adventure here) and it's hard to keep kids from bouncing off the walls or fighting with each other.

Here as some activities that we have found successful for beating the winter boredom. My boys are 2 years old, and my girl is 6, so some activities I did strictly with the toddlers and others were good for the mixed bunch.



There are various levels of prep required and mess involved. Maybe at some point I will make a more specific list of no prep activities, but for now, here are some things to get your wheels turning.




Balloon tennis
blow up a bunch of latex balloon and used kitchen spatulas to whack them around.

Bowling for solo cups
Stack up solo cups to knock them down. After a while they got tired of using the ball and started going Kung Fu on them.

Make silly putty
I like this recipe because it's just corn starch and dish soap, but there are a ton of recipes out there. I used 2 parts cornstarch and 1 part dish soap, but it really depends on what texture you're going for. For older kids, trying different ratios and predicting and comparing the results can be a great way to engage.

Crushing sensory box
Inspiration for this idea came from this post on Busy Toddler. Fill a bin or pan or whatever you have with stale breakfast cereal (am I the only one with a stockpile of this stuff?) and give the kids toy hammers and potato mashers. This one is great for little boys who enjoy the opportunity to be destructive

Play with bubble foam
I got this idea here. My intention was to do it in the bathtub, but it happened to be a nice day so we were able to take it outside. It's just soap though (which I always have) so it can reasonably be done indoors.

Stacking paper towels or toilet paper
I was amazed at how long this kept the boys entertain and how creative they got with their play. If you have a stock pile of paper products in the basement, you'd be surprised what the kids will think of.

Kid's yoga
So to be fair, I don't actually know how to do yoga. At all. But lots of moms do and there are lots of kid's yoga printables out there, so if that's your thing, go for it. What I do are different stretches and compare them to animals and nature: reach up high like a tree. Bring your heels towards you and flap your knees like a butterfly. I mix in more active moves like hopping like a frog and shaking our sillies out to create what we call Our Exercies.

Scoop and transfer monster
This one I did with just the boys, but it can be adapted to make it more challenging for older kids. Draw a face on a paper plate and cut out a mouth. set it on top of a mixing bowl (or tape it). Fill another large bowl with beans, rice, legos, or whatever small pieces you want to use (we used Lite Bright pieces) and give the kids spoons. Tell them to feed the monster. 

Straw Rockets
Chelsey has great directions and printables for this activity here. In a nutshell, you put paper rockets on the end of straws and blow to make them "take off" This was a little challenging for my 2-year-olds, but for older kids this would be great.

Make a catapult
Again, this is great one for little boys, and can be made more challenging for different ages. We placed large spoons on top of water bottles, put paper balls on one end, and stomped on the other end. You can get creative with it though.

Paint in a bag
I will be totally honest, this is not my favorite. It uses a lot of paint, and my little ones always seem to rip a hole in the bag. However, this would be really fun for kids who were a little older and/or learning about color mixing.

Contact paper monsters
Draw a monster face on contact paper and tape it to the window. Give the kids paper pieces and googly eyes and decorate it.

Snow painting
Great for all ages, especially when the kids want to play in fresh snow, but it's too cold or windy to go out. Fill a bin with snow. Give the kids paint brushes and water with food coloring for "paint." The boys loved this one. The would not stop until all the snow was melted.

Build a mountain with the couch cushions
This is a great way to burn off some energy, especially for toddlers since it requires a more effort for them to climb the mountain. We do this almost every day.

Face paint with washable marker
This is one of my son's favorite. Warning: washable markers are often not entirely washable. Usually I don't let him color my face, and I make sure we don't have anywhere important to be in the next few days. I've also used eyeliner instead of makers if I need it to come off easily.

I hope this helps bring your family a few moments of sanity. What are your favorite indoor activities to keep the kids busy? I'd love to hear them! leave a comment.

Blessings.

How My Toddler Changed After I Took Away the TV

pexels photo

I have never been fond of TV myself. For most of my adult life I haven't had cable, and at times not even a streaming service. I was one of those people who swore that when I had kids they would never watch TV (we all know that chick; the one we smile at knowingly).


So even though I didn't stick to my guns there, I have always been intentional in limiting my son's screen time. When my husband moved out, one of the first things I did was cancel Netflix and take the TV out of the living room and put it in the den. Even so, my son's TV watching got a little out of control.


As a mom, I wear many hats. I am a chef, a maid, an errand boy, and a landscaper. I'm a single-mom so I'm also the only income and a full-time student. I felt tremendously guilty about the amount of time I was spending busy, and I found myself saying things like: you can watch a show while mommy takes a shower....while mommy does the dishes....while mommy makes a phone call...insert whatever other activity comes to mind that is easier without a small person.



None of those thing are wrong. But they started adding up. Add in the fact that it is winter in Michigan, and if you know anything about winter in the Northern US of A, you know it is usually too cold for toddlers to go out and play. At least not for any length of time.


I did the math and discovered we were watching TV for 4 hours a day! Not all at once mind you, but all little by little those shows were adding up. American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no more than 1 hour per day for toddlers, primary because too much TV viewing is linked to obesity and sleep disturbances.


Not only is that a disgusted amount of sedentary time, it was causing a lot of fights. When he was watching TV, if we had to stop to have dinner or take a bath or get dressed to go to church it became WWIII. I totally agree with this particular post on Not Consumed that electronics are killing our parenting. Screens distract children from important things happening in the real world, including following directions.



So one day I woke up and decided we needed a break, and we weren't going to watch TV all day.


Not only that, I was not going to be the replacement form of entertainment. I spend A LOT of time with my child. Nannying is my profession so playing with him (plus additional children) is LITERALLY my full time job. Plus we have plenty of playtime at home. I didn't have any more time to give, and even if I did, that would have totally defeated the purpose.


As much as I hate this fact and it pains me to say it, children need to be bored. If children are constantly entertained and overstimulated, then they are never given the opportunity to be creative, evaluate their own time and resources, explore, or use their imagination. Not only that, being bored helps them develop executive function, which is basically the ability to plan, prioritize, and organize things required to reach goals. A super important part of being a functional adult.



Needless to say, my small person was not on board with this plan. He whined. He cried. He tried to sneak and turn it on without me noticing, leading me to unplug it. It was quite the shock to his system.



But instead of giving in for a moment of peace, his insistence actually strengthened my convictions. Up until that point I just thought we were watching a bit too much TV. It wasn't until I took it away that I realized he did not know how to entertain himself. 



Well then I felt like a horrible mother and was convinced CPS should take my child away because I had never let him be bored. But then I gathered my emotions and we continued.



After 2 days he gave up the fight, the world was no longer ending. However, that didn't stop the constant can I watch TV now? When I went back to work, we continued our screenless lifestyle and my little charges went through a similar process of being convinced they were going to die and then realizing that they weren't.


After everyone realized life would go on, the kids adjusted in some pretty interesting ways. I knew it would improve our life, but I was not prepared for the depth and breadth of that positive change. After seeing the results, I feel obligated to share my experience with all moms. Not to say that everyone should do it. Every family is different. But I would feel guilty if I didn't share this miraculous change with the world incase someone is in a similar boat, and not sure what to do next.



Here are 3 changes that happened within my child once I took the TV away:


1) He learned how to entertain himself.

 I know, that's not a big surprise. Although for a while I was concerned about just how dysfunctional he had become. But once I stopped providing him instant entertainment, he suddenly got very creative. 


He was constantly pretending to be a cat or a dog or some other household pet that is adorable, but does not respond with words when you ask it a question (most frustrating parenting dilemma ever). He colored. He raided my kitchen utensils and "cooked" Kibbles n' Bits for the dog. And the most encourage of all, he became OBSESSED with books. 


Suddenly all of our together play time was spent reading to him. And when he was left to entertain himself he would "read" to himself. He's 2, so he's really memorizing the stories and reciting them from picture cues or making it up, but still. How awesome is that?! We get 30 book from the library at a time and they only last 2 weeks before we've read each one a million times and I need some new material.



2) He started to regulate his emotions better. 

Dominic has always been a very intense child. VERY intense. He's intensely happy. He's intensely sad. He's intensely angry. I know toddlers are intense by nature, but I've worked with a lot of kids in my career. He's intense.



But once we removed the screen time, there was a definite shift. It was so dramatic that other people noticed it. I didn't put much thought into it before we started this process, but since better executive function is linked to better emotional regulations, it makes sense. Not only did he develop skills to better reach goals in the physical world around him, he developed skills to better reach psychosocial goals, such as calming down after feeling upset or not acting aggressively when angry.



That's not to say that he doesn't still have tantrums and emotional meltdown. Once again, he's 2. That's also not to say that the same shift will happen in someone else's child or that too much screen time is the reason Sally Sue is having trouble regulating her emotions. All I know is ever since we made the switch his tantrums and emotional meltdowns have been reduced by more than half, and that's good enough for me.



3) He doesn't want to watch TV anymore.

This doesn't me he eventually stopped asking. He didn't, although he did ask much less frequently. But after a few weeks and establishing some much better habits with our time and resources, I decided that we were ready to indulge in a little screen time if we wanted. For me, a little was 30 minutes or less per day.



But in the end it really did matter because he won't watch TV anymore! I never offer screen time to him as a suggestion (I just feel like that sends the wrong message), but if he asks and I feel like it's the appropriate time for a little sedentary time, I will turn the TV on for him. However, he will only watch for about 15-20 minutes and then he walks away (usually to join whatever I'm doing). My child, who used to sit through an entire cartoon movie and ask for another one, cannot make it through single PBS episode. 



On more than one exhausted occasion I've said "let's have a family movie night!" and I go all out with popcorn and blankets and snuggles in the recliner. But even then I can only get about 30 minutes out of him and then he walks off to go read a book or something.



Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining (although sometimes it is tempting). This is definitely what I want for our family. But it did take some time to mourn the loss of: why don't you watch Curious George while, Mommy takes a shower? I have not showered alone in quite some time. But at least now instead of being interrupted by whining about the end of a DVD, I'm interrupted by "Mommy, can I read you a book while you're in the shower?" In the end I would call that a success.





What has been your experiences with your kids and screen time? How do you combat the cries of boredom? leave a comment.


Blessings

Surviving Single-Parenting

Big confession coming on: I am a single-parent. It's not a big confession because I'm trying to keep it a secret; it's a big confession because it's not something I enjoy saying. When I do, people automatically start putting my family in boxes.

Did her boyfriend dump her when she got pregnant? Is she on welfare? Is her child being raised by a daycare center? Is she lonely? Is she miserable?

The fact that I'm young and bi-racial does not win me any points in this game.

Quite frankly none of that is anyone's business, but to dispel the initial curiosity I will clarify that I was married to my son's father, but we no longer live together. The key take away here is that I was not always a single-parent. Now that I am, and have been for some time, I understand that there is a big difference between raising a child(ren) by yourself versus raising a child with another person in the home, and often the transition can be really difficult.

That said, there are some key things to keep in mind when you feel like you can't possibly make it through this.

1. The Lord Provides 

This might be a difficult one to believe, so we're going to tackle it first. Whatever circumstances have come your way that have led you to parenting on your own probably do not feel like the Lord's provision. If anyone tells you that God is testing you, walk away. That's flat out wrong. The truth is we live in a broken world where bad things happen to good people for no good reason (Ecclesiastes 9:11).

No matter how overwhelming or stressful this period may, God has not abandoned you. He wants to help you through it. Kim at Not Consumed looks deeper at what the Bible says about the struggle you're facing.


 Seek out believers in your church and community that can remind you of this and pray over you. If your church has turned against you because of your situation (as some do), then leave and never go back. That is not the love of Christ and you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

2. Find Your Network and Hold them Close

You are going to need help. The kids will get sick. Something will break that you can't fix. Your children and/or boss will need you to be in 5 places at once. Sometimes you will legitimately need a break. 


Without another adult in the home, all of these things require more of an effort to tackle. For those of us who pride ourselves on being independant and able (raising my hand here) it is hard to ask for help. 


It's important to identify who you can really lean on and how they can help early in the game. I know who to call about car trouble, home repairs, childcare, and running to the pharmacy when I'm home with a sick kid in a snow storm (that's a real life example for you). Seek out those people and keep them close.

3. Things Can Get Ugly, Allow Yourself Some Grace

I have cried, inexplicably, at the grocery store. I have yelled at my son over toys on the floor. I have fed my child fast-food 3 days in a row because I was too exhausted to cook. None of these things are "okay," but they will be much worse if I beat myself up over them. 


Parenting was not meant to be done alone, and while we are very adaptive creatures, adaptation takes time (and prayer and coffee). When these things happen, use it as a learning experience. What could you have done differently? Sometimes the answer will be nothing and that's okay too. If it involved your children, use it as a learning experience for them too. Mommy was feeling angry and made a bad choice. It's not okay to yell. I'm sorry. In the end they will still respect you even if they know you're human.

4. Know Your Priorities

There are things we need, things that are important, and things we would like. Know the difference. You cannot do everything. Do what you need to do, try to do what you'd like to do, let the rest go. My house is almost always a mess. I hate it. But I am only one person, so if we have clean clothes, clean dishes, and a disinfected bathroom, I can move on to the next task on my list and let the rest go.

This does NOT mean leisure activities shouldn't be a priority. I feel like this is a common misconception when we're trying to hold up all 4 corners of the world, we assume we have to get all the to-dos taken care of before we can do anything else. That is false and a recipe for disaster. Your children are depending on you and if you don't take the time to do whatever you need to do the recharge, they will suffer.

Everyone's priorities are different. I can't tell you what yours should be. But once you discover them, make reasonable daily goals and let the rest go. If number 18 on your to-do list doesn't get done, it doesn't matter. You are only one person.

5. Think About the Future

If single-parenting was sudden and unexpected, it's likely you are scrambling to find out how you're family will function, and that's important. But regardless of where you are in this perilous journey, it's important to look ahead and see what would be best for your whole family long term. 


Would it be best to try to increase your income to cover the difference, or downsize your home? Would moving to be closer to relative benefit your children? Would going back to school help your family long term? These are important things to consider, especially if the short-term answer is  one that is not ideal for you or your kiddos. 


I worked 60 hours a week for a while and missed so much of my son's first year it breaks my heart. I found a school that I love and can attend entirely online and decided it would be best for both of us if I continued my education. Short-term I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends, but I know it is the best way attain my long term goal, which is to work less for more money and spend the rest of the time being a momma. 

I pray that this will help you in whatever single-parenting box you fit in. It is a process. It takes time, and often a whole host of mistakes, but you will come out stronger on the other side of the fire.

I'd love to hear from you! What would you add? What pearls of wisdom helped you navigate being a single parent? Leave a comment.

Blessings