Toddlers are the biggest control freaks on the face of the planet. These little executives like things their way and on their timeframe. If you're a parent, then this is not news. It also isn't news that saying "no" can lead to a battle. It's all fun and games until mommy says "no," then suddenly your little person is on the floor devastated or furious or a little bit of both. Or maybe that's just my house.
There is the other end of the spectrum where "no" somehow never reaches little ears, or if it does, it miraculously is transformed into the word "yes" before it gets there.
I am a firm believer in choosing your battles and fighting them every time. This is because I want my son to respect what say. He knows that I mean what I say and I say what I mean. There are still many times when he tests me on my resolve, but the more he learns that if I said it I meant it, the less frequent it becomes.
Because I resolve to fight my fights, I really avoid the word "no." That's not to say I'm permissive by any means. But when I tell my child not to do something I need him to listen, and if I tell him not to do every little thing that I don't like, then pretty soon he's going to start challenging me on it and I just do not have enough energy wage all of those battles.
To save everyone's sanity, I've come up with some strategies to avoid saying no, so that I can help guide him to more desirable behavior, without making it a command we have to fight over.
Avoid things that will be a battle
There are battles that are unavoidable. We have to get dressed for church. We have to eat our dinner at the table. We have to brush our teeth before bed. But there are some battles that can easily avoided if we don't put our child in a situation where he's going to want something he can't have.
Junk food is one of them. If we have cookies in the house, then he will pester me for them all day, which is a battle that I will have to fight because there's no way I'm going to let him eat cookies all day. But who honestly wants to spend all day doing that. Solution: I don't buy cookies. Battle avoided. I also don't drive the route to the grocery store that takes me by McDonald's, I don't browse the Internet on my phone when my son is around, and I don't go by the toy aisle at the store. Battles avoided.
Offer alternatives first
This goes for those times when the kids are doing something that is not going to workout well. Instead of jumping in and shutting them down, leading to a fight for control, suggest a better method (and pray they go for it).
When he pulls over a chair to reach something high, "why don't you use the step stool instead? It will be safer." When they're putting on their cute new sneaker on a rainy day, "If you wear your boots they might work better. You'll be able to splash in puddles."
If they don't take your alternative, you have to make a choice: is this a battle you want to fight. Sometimes you'll choose to let it go and sometimes you'll have to stand and fight, but at least you tried to keep the peace.
Ask your child to think of alternatives
This works really well with older children. Children (and adults) don't always think before they do things. Sometimes, if given the opportunity, they may choose better behavior, eliminating the need for you to step in as the reigning tyrant and ruin the fun.
If they're kicking a ball around in the house (assuming that's something that's not allowed) simply say, "where do you think we should play that game?" Usually this ends with them taking the ball outside themselves.
Ask questions first
I have learned that asking the question, "what are you doing?" before I respond to a situation can save us from so many meltdowns. I have discovered that I don't think the same way as he does (since I'm not a 2-year-old boy you would think that wouldn't be a surprise). So when I see something that looks like disobedience or troublemaking, I should first try to understand what I'm actually looking at.
Example: when I say to him, "you can choose one toy to take to bed," and he pulls out 3 and tucks them under his arm. My first instinct is to say "no" and make him put 2 back. Since children usually don't think to explain their logic, this will likely just lead to him insisting on doing it his way, and here we are at bedtime fighting over toys. Instead, I now ask, "what are you doing?" and in all his toddler cuteness he tells me, "this one is for my bed and this one is for your bed and this one is for April's (the dog) bed." Wow, my child is thinking of others and here I am ready to throw down over his lack of obedience. So now I ask questions.
There will be times when "no" is unavoidable and you have to stand your ground. Because of that, it is better to avoid it when you can, so that it means more when you say it.
How do you spare the battles in your house? leave a comment.
Blessings.
I was telling someone about my blog recently and she asked me what it was about. I told her it's about intentional parenting. She asked, "What is intentional parenting?"
Well it's......ummm......it's kind of like......Wow, did I feel foolish. Here I am claiming to be this self-made expert on intentional parenting, and I can't even give her a simple definition.
But I honestly don't think I'm alone. I checked. Although intentional parenting has it's own hash-tag and has become all the rage in some circles, it's hard to find a clear, concise definition. Partially because the term is kind of self explanatory. But also because it is one of those things that is best understood by example.
Therefore, I will do both. I will give you my definition, and also some examples of what that means. Then, hopefully, you will walk away understanding this simple, yet challenging task that is intentional parenting.
Intentional parenting is making deliberate choices in your parenting to achieve specific goals for your child's development.
Like I said, it's just what it sounds like. And it's one of those things that make you go "Wow, I want to do that!....How do I do that?" Or maybe that's just me. Either way, it looks different for every family because every parent has different goals. Yet, there does seem to be some consistency about what dimensions of parenting require intentional choices. So to better understand this concept (which is really more of a lifestyle), let's look at some ways in which intentional parents choose to be intentional.
1. Intentionally raising kids to love Christ. I will admit, I think that is a very catchy tagline. Mostly because it touches one of my biggest goals for my son's development. This dimension is also referred to as purposeful parenting. What does this look like? Well I can't tell you what it will look like in your house because that depends on your goals. Click here to see what it looks like for my family. The biggest things for us are prayer, being active in our church, and talking about the splendor of God's creation. The intentional steps I take to achieve my goals for my son's spiritual development are likely to change as my son grows older and his relationship with God deepens.
I do want to take a step back here and say that intentional parenting is not a pursuit solely for Christian parents. Although it sometimes feels that way because the bulk of the advice given on intentional parenting is coming from Christian parents (including myself). But parents who aren't followers of Christ still have goals for their parenting. And faith should be a part of those goals. What do you want to teach your child about the world and the people around them? Tolerance. Cooperation. The common good. Those things are important whether you're reading them from the Bible or not. Be intentional about instilling these things in your child.
2. Being intentional about your time. There are 2 interrelated aspects of this dimension: routine and quality family time. Let's look at them separately.
Children need routine. They need to know what's expected of them, what to expect from their day, and what's coming next. This is particularly important for anxious children, and also for strong-willed children (like my son). Routine also helps us as parents ensure that everything we want to accomplish gets accomplished. If we set aside a time for prayer, homework, housework, playing outside, etc. everyday, then we can better accomplish our goal of being intentional about making those things a part of our child's development.
Quality family time needs to be a part of that routine. One of the easiest ways to do this is with family dinners. I am a big proponent of family dinners. So much so, that even though my husband and I are separated, we still have family dinners on a weekly basis. I am also a realist and know that family dinners can be very hard for some families depending on everyone's schedule. There are other ways to intentionally plan quality family time. Game night, family devotional time, evening story time, or morning coffee together. The key is to set time aside on a regular basis to give your child your undivided attention. This draws you closer together, helps you understand who they are growing up to be, and creates a space where they can bring to you things that have been weighing on their heart.
3. Intentional discipline. This is not going to be the post where I tell you how to discipline your kids. Maybe at some point I'll share what has worked for us, but not today. What this looks like is going to depend first on your child, then on your own beliefs. Every child is different and responds best to different discipline techniques. You have to be intentional about understanding what makes your child tick, and figuring out what you can do to best guide them to make positive choices.
It's also important to be intentional about your priorities and boundaries. Do they line up with your goals for your child's development? If not, then you need to change them. Yours will probably look a little different than the mom's next door.For example, I don't make my son put away his toys as soon as he's done playing, but he MUST say please and thank you every time he makes a request. This aligns with my priorities, but never everyone else's.
I will say that discipline should not involve yelling, shaming, or withdrawal of love. These practices are very destructive and lead to internalizing disorders like anxiety and depression. That's doesn't mean that I have never yelled at my child. I have. I'm human. But I intentionally try to discipline in a way that is constructive for reaching my goals.
4. Intentionally model the behavior you desire for you children. This is SO hard. But it's also incredibly important. Children truly do copy the behavior they see. I have seen my kids discipline their dolls the way they are disciplined, talked to their peers the way they are talked to, and even pick up nervous habits they see in their parents. This is very sobering to witness. Therefore, when you're looking at the goals you have for your child's development, it is important to ask yourself if you are living those goals yourself.
5. Intentionally express your love for your child. We all love your children. But they can't read our minds. We have to take time to show them that we love them. Over and over again. For the rest of their lives. We show our children we love them when we take time to listen to them, when we help them with their struggles, and when we remind them that we're proud of them.
Showing your children that you love them affects their self-concept, which is who they believe there are as people. Their self-concept drives their self-esteem, their beliefs about their worth, the way they treat others, and the way they allow themselves to be treated. If your goals is for your child to develop healthy relationships in life, which I hope it is, showing your love for them is pivotal.
I hope this gave you some inspiration to start (or continue) intentionally parenting your children.What other dimensions of parenting are you intentional about? How have intentional practices changed your family? leave a comment.
Blessings
As a nanny, I have the amazing opportunity (and obstacle at times) of taking my son to work with me. This is a tremendous blessing for a number of reasons. It means that as a single-mom I don't have to spend money on childcare. It also means, more importantly, that I get to spend my days with my son and really fostering his growth and development.
This also means that every work day I have to get my 2-year-old dressed, fed, and out the door by 7:15am or I'll be late for work. I know that this situation isn't unique to me as a nanny. There are many families who have to get the kids out the door in the morning for daycare, school, or to take siblings to school.
Because this process can be challenging and frustrating, I want to share with you some things that I have picked up while working with children over the years that make getting out in the morning a little smoother.
Prepare as much as you can ahead of time
For most families, this means getting things ready the night before. Anything that you can do advance, do it. Pack lunches, lay out clothes, put coffee in the coffee pot, get breakfast items ready. When everything is already in place, it is much faster and easier to put the rest of the pieces together than in the morning when everyone is stumbling around groggy and grumpy.
Give your kids as much responsibility as they can handle
What this looks like is going to depend on age and also on the child. I've seen people use picture boards or checklist that kids work through, but I've never done that with any of my kids. Not saying they don't work, I've just never tried them.
Although it may seem faster to do everything yourself than to let your toddler spend 10 minutes putting his shoe on, in the long run it's not. Children desire autonomy, and they are much more cooperative when they can take ownership of the process.
Whatever you feel your child can do themselves with very few prompts, put it on their plate. It will make them more cooperative and remove a bit of the stress from your morning.
Give clear directions about what still needs to be done
I feel like this is where one of those picture boards would be handy. In any case, I have been totally guilty of giving my son a task, go brush your teeth, and then been shocked and upset when he does that and then goes back to playing instead of continuing to get ready.
I have learned with toddlers (or even older children), the word "then" is very important. Go brush your teeth THEN get dressed. I check on my son often during the morning because he's 2 so he's easily side-track. When he's gotten to the next step, I give him praise and then let him know what to do when he's done. Thank you for following directions. Finish getting dressed, then feed the dog.
This should become less important as kids get older and as they get used to the routine.
Be realistic about your timeframe
Chances are it takes your children longer to do just about anything than it takes you to do it. This goes for eating, dressing, brushing their teeth, combing their hair, or anything else they might need them to do. That means that you want them to start getting ready based on how much time they need, not how much time you think they should need. If they are slow eaters, get up earlier. If it takes them a long time to do their hair, get up earlier. If they have a hard time waking up in the morning, go to bed earlier. I can't pretend that those changes are easy, but if it's going to mean mornings with less fighting, it's worth considering.
Put your stuff in your car before your kids. Or vice versa
Depending on how much stuff you have and how helpful and able-bodied your kids are, this might not be necessary. I, however, usually travel with toddlers and quite often am transporting enough stuff to go backpacking through Europe. You want to have free hands when you're trying to get little ones out of the house and into the car. I have learned the hard way that there is nothing more frustrating than trying get kids out the door and into the car when my hands are full and I'm spilling my coffee and someone slips on the ice and I can't even reach down to help him up. So instead, I go put my stuff in the car (and usually start it too, since I live in Michigan), and come back in and finish getting the kids ready.
Have a "Launch Pad"
I just made that term up right now, as I was trying to think of how to explain the most important advice of this whole topic. My "Launch Pad" is the place where all the kids go when they are completely ready to leave. In our house this is our breeze way, at work this is the mudroom, in our old house it was the kitchen because that's where the back door was. The most important part of a Launch Pad is that once they are ready and in it THEY CANNOT LEAVE. Again, speaking from experience, there is nothing more frustrating than finally having everyone ready to go, running to the other room to grab your phone, and coming back to find you're suddenly missing a child who wandered off to watch TV again. It makes it easy to assess how ready we actually are if we can get a head count of how many people are ready to walk out the door.
Tell yourself you have to leave earlier than you really do
When I said earlier that I have to get out the door by 7:15, that was actually I lie. I HAVE to get out the door by 7:25, or else we'll be late, but every day I try to leave by 7:15. And once a month we actually succeed.
Face it, it is VERY challenging to leave on time with kids. Just when you think you're ready to go, somebody has to poop. Somebody forgot something important. And someone else decides they don't want to go. Don't set yourself up for failure by trying to leave at the last minute and then being late. It just leads to a lot of yelling and a poor start to the morning. If we actually get out of the house at the attempted time, I'll sometimes use the extra time to go to Tim Horton's for doughnut holes. Either way, it is much less frustrating when your child is running behind if you know that it's not actually going to cause anyone to be late.
I've unfortunately learned all these things from experience after doing it the other way and failing (and yelling and being late an awful lot). How about you? What helps your family get on the road on time? leave a comment!
Blessings
I did not grow up in the church or with really any understanding of God. I didn't find Christ until college. This means I went almost 19 years without knowing the love and grace that God has for me. I find that for some of my Christian friends this is a little hard to truly grasp. They have all gone through periods where they felt distant from God or were making choices that they knew would interfere with their relationship with God. Some even out right turned their backs. But I simply never knew him. I never knew that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I never knew that he loved me just the way I was. I never knew that despite my many flaws and failings, he sent his only son to die so that I could have a personal relationship with him forever. I had no idea.
This caused a lot of loneliness, a lot of gratification seeking. and a lot of destructive choices. But ever since I accepted Christ as my Savior, my life has been completely different. I have been completely different. It wasn't an overnight transformation and there were major periods of regression, but I could never imagine going back to the person I was.
Because I know what it's like to live on the other side, and to not know Christ, it has always been imperative to me to teach my son about God from a young age.
I wanted to share with you some things that I do in my parenting to help teach my son about God and to encourage that relationship. I also want to share with you some things I don't do, because I feel that those would do more harm than good.
God always loves you
For me this is fundamental. I want my son to understand that God cares for him, and that when he falls short, his heavenly father will forgive him. When I tell him I love him, I remind him of all the people in his life that love him, including God. And that God, just like mommy, will always love him no matter what.
You can always talk to God
When I pray with my son (and honestly, even when I pray by myself) I use simple words and sentences, because I want him to feel comfortable talking to God. I want him to know that prayer is really just a conversation. I remind him that he can talk to God about anything, something interesting or something exciting or something scary, and He will always listen.
God created all things
I probably spend the most time on this one right now because he's young enough to still be incredibly amazed by nature. When we're at the zoo or in the garden or taking a walk I remind him that God made everything. God made the plants. God made the animals. God made the sunshine. Sometimes, if it seems to have piqued his interest will stop for a moment to say a prayer of thanks to God for making those things.
Like I said, there are also some things that I don't do. Some of them are because he's still so young, and some things I never will do because I feel it does more harm than good.
I don't make him sit through service
Before everyone gets deeply offended by this line of thinking, allow me to explain. When he was an infant I always took him to service with me. He would nurse and sleep most of the time. As he go older (and mobile) getting him to be reasonably still and quiet became quite a challenge and frustration for both of us.
Although I wanted him in service with me (mostly because of my attachment issues) I really had to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. What was I trying to accomplish? We attend a large church that has an amazing children's ministry and such a large number of children that they are able to have a ministry specifically for each age group. More than anything I did NOT want church to be a chore. We all have to do things in life we don't want to do, but I didn't want our time in fellowship to be one of them.
So when we get to church I give him a choice (because 2 year olds love choices) he can come in and "sing songs" with me, which is how he refers to worship, or he can go play with his friends. Typically, he'll opt to come into worship with me, stay for about 30 minutes, then asks to go to the kid's room right before the sermon starts.
This works really well for our family. He's always excited to go to church. He gets to participate in worship time with me because he wants to. And he gets to see that this is an important time for me and for all of the adults in our congregation. As he gets older, we might do things a little differently, or we might not. And that's not to say that it is wrong if your young children sit in service with you. That's just what I do to best accomplish the spiritual goals that I have for my family.
I don't teach him about commandment and obedience to God...yet
He's so young, that the concept that there's this unseen being who's always there and listening to him is hard enough. If I make Him a score keeper, then that can sound pretty terrifying to a child.
More importantly, it distract from the thing that I really want to draw attention to, which is that God is love. As he gets older we'll talk more about the way that God calls us to live our life, but just not right now.
I don't tell him how to pray
I've seen lots of cute kid's prayers and memory verses for little ones, and I think that's nice, but if my son is going to build a relationship with God, I want it to be genuine to him.
We do talk about the kinds of things that are good to pray about. We should thank God for things he created like food and sunshine. We can talk to God when we're upset or need help. I also model pray. He listens to me pray and other adults in his life.
And I also never make him pray. When I give him the opportunity to pray with me, he usually takes it, but if he doesn't that's okay. When he does pray, what comes out often doesn't quite make sense, but I can tell it's whatever is on his mind. I love this. I think it is beautiful. He talks to God the way he talks to any other adult in his life. I love this because I want him to know he doesn't have to filter his relationship with God. He doesn't have to hold back. He doesn't need a script. No matter what it is, good or bad, I want him to know he can offer it up to God.
If your family does things differently, that's fine too. If you're happy with the results, that's all that matters! If you're feeling a little stuck or looking for some inspiration, I hope this helps.
Blessings.
